Amit Goes Blogging

A dimly-lit lounge, bartenders pouring shot after shot into my dangling glass, plush sofas, and gristly bottoms heaving over the leather and hairy hands rubbing against me is what I call loneliness. After years of anticipation and effort what I ran into was always a bunch of males, a sorrow I have cried out my heart at umpteen times but to no avail.  It was loneliness when I had the love and care of my parents who did everything possible to make me see their love, no matter, how contrary my experience was to the truth. And, now when it's my turn to express my love and care, they are unable to come to terms with it. Crashed expectations raise the dust of loneliness before my eyes once I retire home from work!  I have been lavished with great love by the near and dear ones; some of them epitomized selfless love as is only heard of these days. But they are very far now and also old. My love made many unsaid promises to them. Those promises are still with me in their unfulfilled state.

It happened too soon! I never thought my enthusiasm, like a moth, was jesting with fire. My aspirations of being a writer were throttled by macabre stories that have left my heart aching. Only a callous heart could make merry at such painful experiences and treat them as material for some sensational writing. On hearing them, I felt I was punished for venturing into life with a writer's ambition. But, life was much more cruel to her who related her agony to me, a split fraction of which has taken away the chimerical peace of my heart. I would have happily suffered hundred whips on my back and would have been still be hopeful of the good times. But, not anymore. Why God did not appear on the scene and save her from that butcher! She was pricked, tortured and dragged through the mud. All this because she loved that inhuman wretch. The wretch used her, abused her, cajoled her and again abused her. And, love made light of it all and would have happily offered itself again for the worst

That god forbidden instinct took hold of him in his drunkenness - the instinct to gamble! After a successful term at the college, his well-imposed academic constraints yielded to the influence of ignoble company of gamblers and hooligans. As it is he was drunk in the glory that education conferred upon him in that small town. That fateful evening paved his downfall. Goaded by a friend, he made his way to the gambling den. The previous evening had adumbrated the doom when he lost Rs. 4000 at one sitting. Gambling is like a bee sting: leaves you with a pain and also leaves the sting buried under the skin. And, another gambling session seems to be the only cure to both. The only wisdom about gambling is avoiding it. But, 'fools rush in where angels fear to tread'. My foolish friend staked again that evening to recover what he lost the previous day. After hitting a few chances, he started losing out on four bets at 10k, 20k, 20k, 20k and at the closing was under a debt of Rs.

She left! Our reunion was at the mercy of a few hours, but it was not to be. My eyes are still running hither thither anxiously hoping against the reality that has struck me brutally. The anguish howls in my ears and my eyes stare into the nothingness that has filled the place. The barrenness of this place will prick me as long as I am here and I have to bear with it every moment of my stay here. She kept asking me why I didn't stop her. She wanted the prayers of my heart to issue from my lips. I forbade from doing so, for lips spell commitment and it is something I cannot stick to now. I am torn between desiring and disowning; crushed between her overpowering love and the devotion of my first love; hung between the liberating love and the binding commitment. Why does my heart reach out in love to her? Why does she beat with my heart? Why every spring of love invites me to bathe in its waters? Am I not cheating on my previous commitments? Let the questions remain and let love rema