A Peek into My Person - I
People who have described my writing as straddling the fence will see a reason for it. I am afraid you would be bogged down after reading this.
Discontent has been my lifelong companion, going down all the way my earliest memories as child. Nothing could prevent the feeling of being short-changed at the end of every activity. I always had to encourage happiness to justify the desirability of action. But, on the inside, I was an unhappy traveller following an unsolicited itinerary. People were just tolerable. Obliging them mind-numbing. I had made an unstable peace with the fact that we are condemned to live and also tasked with making living enjoyable.
Kids of my age derived great satisfaction in eating raw guavas stolen from the neighbourhood. But, when I set my teeth into the hard crust, I doubted whether the risk and the effort involved in the ordeal were worth it; was the resulting joy any close to expectations. When were we overjoyed when seeking joy? Playing cricket in the blazing hot sun, risking the villainy I would draw out of my father, seemed overzealous a short while into the game. In the evening, even before sense could be slapped on my cheeks, I was ashamed of my unfounded desperation. The thrashing came but after I had suffered a much-demeaning remorse.
An inner person (conscience?) disapproved of my participation. It was an ineradicable part of me, ready to manacle my mind running on twin feet of desire and expectation. Often frustrated, I would avenge by overturning its dictates and do the guiltiest thing that would shame it to desert my company. But, it showed the stealth of a fly that cannot be chased away and will finally settle upon you with heavy judgement.
Discontent has been my lifelong companion, going down all the way my earliest memories as child. Nothing could prevent the feeling of being short-changed at the end of every activity. I always had to encourage happiness to justify the desirability of action. But, on the inside, I was an unhappy traveller following an unsolicited itinerary. People were just tolerable. Obliging them mind-numbing. I had made an unstable peace with the fact that we are condemned to live and also tasked with making living enjoyable.
Kids of my age derived great satisfaction in eating raw guavas stolen from the neighbourhood. But, when I set my teeth into the hard crust, I doubted whether the risk and the effort involved in the ordeal were worth it; was the resulting joy any close to expectations. When were we overjoyed when seeking joy? Playing cricket in the blazing hot sun, risking the villainy I would draw out of my father, seemed overzealous a short while into the game. In the evening, even before sense could be slapped on my cheeks, I was ashamed of my unfounded desperation. The thrashing came but after I had suffered a much-demeaning remorse.
An inner person (conscience?) disapproved of my participation. It was an ineradicable part of me, ready to manacle my mind running on twin feet of desire and expectation. Often frustrated, I would avenge by overturning its dictates and do the guiltiest thing that would shame it to desert my company. But, it showed the stealth of a fly that cannot be chased away and will finally settle upon you with heavy judgement.
I also realized that this inner person is not a crook after all. He admits loudly what I would otherwise only whisper because in saying it loudly I betray my complicity in perpetuating meaninglessness for myself. Perhaps, he belongs to a different world order, the memory of which hasn't faded for him. Even after such a long sojourn in this world, he is still unsullied or should I say ignorant of the only way available for man to live. He has a luxury of standing in judgement. Wherever that voice was leading me can be arrived at by some emotional suicide, killing my connection with myself and the world.
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