My First Love

In the summer of 1999, my parents had some unusual plans: we were to spend our vacations 1000 km away from home at Chitrakut where Shree Ram spent 11 years of his 14-year exile. There was an ashram in Chitrakut and the Swamiji heading the ashram was also a Yoga exponent.

My mother had been suffering from arthritis. This made father very anxious and he did everything possible to alleviate her suffering. But, her resistance proved a hurdle in my father’s attempts to restore her health. He could neither pull her into the habit of morning-walk nor make her take to the treadmill by her bed. When Father bought her costly, light-weight sneakers, she poked fun at him saying that he was stepping into dotage.

While mother was a mother to her kids, Father knew that his dear wife craves no less attention. He decided to take her to the ashram at Chitrakut. Again, she wouldn't relent without a fuss. She said she would neither stay at the ashram nor at a hotel. She wanted freedom for her children and not spoil their vacation spent in confinement. My father was about to lose his temper again. But, father knows when a ‘no’ is a ‘no’.

He started checking with his contacts and finally managed to find a house whose owners were in Haridwar for those 2 months. This ensured that mother had a home away from home and her suzerainty continued uninterrupted.

We reached Chitrakut in the evening. The owner of the house had been waiting for us. They were very cordial and took us around the house and the lady of the house briefed my mother about what is kept where and other household stuff. We would also have a retinue of three female servants at our beck and call. That same night the couple left for Haridwar.

Before we retired to our beds, the maid came along with her daughters. I could sense mother’s uneasiness at the fact that she was a Muslim. Mother’s humanity was, undoubtedly, above her religious considerations but kitchen was tied to her deeper religiosity and she told the ladyꟷZahara was her nameꟷ that she would prefer cooking herself. The lady took the hint and seemed quite prepared for it. Later, my mother introduced my brother and me to her. I responded with an adaab and recompensed her, as it were, for the curtailment of her kitchen services.

One of her daughters, Zeenat, was my age and the other, Ashiya, much younger. The mother and the daughters were very fair. We came from South where a fair skin draws special attention and standing before us was a retinue of maids as fair as my mother.

Father reminded us that we were to wake up early the next day and be at the ashram by 6:30AM. My mother sulked as she was enjoying the soft breeeze that kept the swing in motion. Moreover, she was in the holy land of Rama. To her the very air of Chitrakut was sprinkled with the dust of Rama’s feet, her chosen deity. Only such strong religious allurement could convince her to visit the ashram. We retired to our respective rooms and so did the lady attendants.

The home was quite spacious and had a rich interior. We had the advantage of a personalized setting which could not be possible in a hotel accommodation. I was tired of observing things and soon fell asleep. I was the first to wake up as I always have a hard time clearing my bowels so early. I switched on the lights, drank water from a copper jug, and the doorbell rang. I walked down to open the door and that was just when my bowels recorded movement. I flung the door open. It was Zeenat as fresh as the morning air. The sun rising behind worked her face to crimson. I greeted her ‘good morning’; she smiled and waited for me to give way, she sprang past me to the backyard and began spilling water. I was drawn to her and wanted to follow her, but nature summoned me a second time.

We had our tea and started for the ashram. My brother and I were worried that we would also be enrolled for yoga classes and denied the pleasure of staying late in bed. I hail Swamiji for that solemn advice he gave Father: 'Nothing that is forced is forceful.' He directed us to the mango garden in the ashram premises and asked us to help ourselves. It sunk into us at that moment that we were actually holidaying in Chitrakut!

We made friends with ashramites who were working the gardens. They were uprooting carrots and radish. We joined them in the labour. They were amused seeing us overjoyed at this mundane task. We also spoke of our garden back home. The rustic crowd listened to our prattle very patiently.

When we were returning to our new home, we saw Zahara and her daughters walking down the stairs of a temple. We were quite taken aback. We stopped by them and Zahara offered us Prasad. It was jaggery coated with ghee. My hands got sticky and I was aimlessly looking for something to wipe my hands with. Zeenat sensed my uneasiness and came around the rickshaw and from a brass pail poured water to wash my hands. She was watching my small fingers very carefully and she could not stop herself from exclaiming when she noticed the whiteness of my nails. I assured her saying that I inherited it from my father. Zahara told my mother that she had cut the vegetables clean and left it covered on the dining table. We took the younger Asiya with us and drove home.

My mother took over the kitchen with Asiya accompanying her. Mother was slowly losing her 'kitchen hesitation'. Father caught up with news on TV; my bother and I were encouraging our holiday spirits by devising plans for days ahead. I was reclining on the sofa when Zeenat entered the room with a broom. She ran her chunni across her shoulder taking it round her willowy waist, tied it in a knot and began sweeping the room. I watched her go about every nook and corner of the room gently running her broom twice over.

Zeenat was of same stature as me. She had silky black hair collected in a chignon with a ponytail hanging out. Strands of hair would fall over her face and with a shake of her head she would jig them behind her ear. While doing this she caught my eyes and with an unaffected grace continued her work. She was well-covered and so there was no reason for her to check her person. She was agile and moved so gracefully that even the act of swabbing the floor was a delight.

I took my bath and was wiping myself when Zeenat again entered the room. I ran back into the bathroom holding the ends of the towel in one hand. The fact she stopped at the door made it clear that she had seen me half-naked. My brother giggled; I was embarrassed. She informed us that the table was laid, and that mother was waiting for us. Before I went down, I first looked for her so that I could opt out looking in her direction and at the same time behave as if nothing had happened by holding my head high

Aloo Parthas trickling with butter were served on my plate. Mother found it difficult to walk after her first Yoga session. Zeenat who was silent all this time, approached my mother and spoke in her sweet voice: “We are vegetarians, we take bath twice a day, we fast on Tuesdays and break the fast only after Ram-sankirtan. Please allow me to cook for you. You have come here to rest and regain health. If you continue working here, it would defeat the very purpose of your visit. Please let me take charge of the kitchen. I will follow your instructions meticulously.” Mother was moved at this daughterly remonstration coming from Zeenat. From that day Zeenat took over the reins of the kitchen and at other times Zahara would fill in for her. Both mother and daughter were excellent cooks.

In the afternoons, it was very hot. After the lunch, we usually rested till 4. Sharp at 4:15, Zeenat would call us for tea. Zeenat would stand near the table and mother had to persuade her to sit. This happened daily; she would sit only after a lot of insistence. Mother then set down the etiquette for the next two months. Mother’s good nature was evident to Zahara and Zeenat. They took her for their eternal mistress.

Father had contacted the locals and was busy arranging for our trips during the fortnight he would be with us. He had his business to take care of and so couldn’t stay for long. Also, my brother would join him as he was getting bored. Father would be back when it was time for us to leave. While he was with us, he wanted that we visit all the places of interest, especially the temples and shrines in the vicinity. In these trips, either Asiya or Zeenat would accompany us. I always avoided visiting temples because it involved conscientious observance of religious practices. My parents would get busy performing some puja or other.

During this time, Zeenat kept us company and told me many stories associated with the lives of Rama and Sita. With a vermilion mark on her forehead, she looked fantastic. She plucked the flower while reciting a mantra; the first flower with her nimble thumb and supple ring finger, the second with her thumb and crane-like middle finger and never using her index finger that was twice bent while plucking flowers. I wondered how she knew so much about Hindu customs and practices.

I grew fond of her. She took good care of us. Taking us to marketplace, an otherwise quiet Zeenat, haggled with the shopkeepers and paid only what was reasonable and saved every penny for us. She was especially concerned for my mother and wouldn’t allow her to carry anything. In a few days, she also started administering medicine to her at the appropriate time. Mother would pamper her, and she would blush like a bride.

In the days ahead, we grew comfortable in each other’s company. After Father and Brother left, there was nobody to disturb me in the morning. Zahara would accompany my mother to the ashram and return with her. Zeenat would come with her broom and wake me up saying, “Chote malik utto” And, I would coil up under the duvet. She would turn off the fan and when it was warm inside, I would throw my blanket. She sang a bhajan while working. She had a nightingale’s voice and I could sense a mocking glee in her voice watching me sulk. If I wouldn’t quit my bed even at this, she would sing louder and move things nosily. I would wake up irritated, but the moment I looked at her endearing countenance, I would be cheered up.

We would chat for long over tea. When Zahara used to call her, my heart would ache. But, as soon as she was through with her chores, she would rush to my mother, ask for her comfort, and, then steal into my room.

During one such private meeting, the discussion brought us to the question ‘who is fairer of the two?’ I declined the obvious and gave her reasons that my complexion darkened due to exposure to hot afternoon sun while playing cricket. She pushed away my argument saying that even she stayed outdoors for work and still she is as fair as Sita, pointing at the picture that hung on the wall. I sidetracked saying that men who are fair are effeminates and that I found an exemplary of manliness in Rama, again pointing at the picture. At this, she only smiled sheepishly.

One morning I wanted to bathe with hot water. But I could not turn on the geyser. There was problem with the switch, and I was frightened of handling electrical appliances. I called Zeenat to help me identify the right switch. She came, entered the bathroom and was looking around when I accidentally turned a knob. Poor Zeenat was standing right under the shower! She sprung towards me, lost her balance, and was in my arms! Her soft body pressed against mine. I could feel the pounding of her heart. I released my hold; she turned the tap off and walked out with a worried look. This incident invested me with a confidence that Zeenat felt safe in my not-so-fair arms.

It never occurred to Zahara or my mother that something was brewing between Zeenat and me. They left us undisturbed even when we were alone for long hours. Moreover, when mother used to walk up to my room, it always so happened that were discussing an episode from Ramayana.

One evening, mother and I were strolling in the backyard. We walked up to Zahara’s quarters. She had just offered her Namaaz and was rolling the carpet. My mother knocked the door and entered the room. Zahara was very pleased and behaved as if we were meeting after a long absence. Zahara and Zeenat got into a fit of hospitality. It took some sternness on mother’s part to bring them out of it. It was no mean house. It was decently furnished. There was picture of Kabirdas on the wall in the front, a picture of Mecca on the South wall and Lord Rama’s Darbar (court portrait) garlanded with hibiscus flowers on the eastern wall.

I was intrigued about Kabirdas’ picture. Zahar told me they belong to a faith professed by saint Kabir who believed that all pray to the same God and so their interfaith beliefs are not inimical. Mother was impressed on hearing such deep religious words. Very hesitatingly she asked about her husband. Zahara told her that he worked in Haridwar and took care of the property of the old couple. They also served us dinner and it was very late before we returned to our quarters.

That night I dreamt of Zeenat. In the dream, she would make fun of me and rub her nose against mine. I could also smell the incense that always enveloped her, she was so close. I woke up hearing her voice. I felt like pulling her into my blanket and hugging her tightly. I winked at her, she winked back, and I rubbed my eyes in amazement. There was also a naughty side to her, I never knew. Was she the Zeenat from my dreams!

One afternoon Zahara was resting in her quarters and mother in her room. Zeenat was with me. My spirits were drying up in the dull routine. I expressed this to her, and she asked me whether I could climb a tree. I said this was much below my enterprise, but she would not be convinced till I proved it to her. We went to the backyard where there were 9 mango trees. She pointed to the tallest of them and threw a challenge at me. I was ready, but then, I noticed monkeys sitting on the tree-tops and my courage yielded.

Zeenat was undaunted. She spoke to the monkeys as if they were her friends. She started climbing the tree and rose to the top like a butterfly. Zeenat was uniquely endowed. Though she had a lithe frame, she was buxom. There she was handing out mangoes to the monkeys. This assured me of their harmlessness. I got to the foot of the tree and started my climb. By the time I reached the offshoot I was panting for breath. She directed me to the top and clearing the hurdles, I reached her. Zeenat’s house was visible from the glades of trees.

For the first time, I was so close to monkeys. As a friendly gesture, I handed them some raw mangoes, which they threw away without tasting. I thought I better keep my distance. I went a little ahead when I could hear the branch giving way under my weight. Zeenat immediately asked me to shift to her side of the branch. I caught hold of another branch and landed safely next to her. The branch shook and we held each other. Our sides rubbed against each other. Her lips were very close to mine and very inviting too. She was in a very vulnerable position. I said, “Zeenat”, she turned towards me and I pursed her lips. She clutched the twigs so hard that I could hear twigs snap in her hold. Her eyes were tightly shut.

The monkeys around seemed embarrassed at this situation. They continually looked at us and turned their gaze towards Zeenat’s house, surveying the situation. Zeenat would not open her eyes. When she had plucked all the twigs around, she caught hold of my shirt and then took me closer (perhaps, to prevent falling). Her breath hardened and her face turned red. And, for the first time she whispered my name into my ears. My name was like a spell that brought me to senses. She slowly opened her eyes, looked at me and then looked towards her home. She started climbing down with trembling hands and feet. While she walked towards her dwelling, I could see her frame shaking. I was still on the tree-top relishing the first kiss of my life on a tree-top with my ancestors for spectators!

The next day, Zeenat wouldn’t wake me. But, I was awake and feigned sleep. When she came near the bed, I caught hold of her hand and she was standing before me motionless. I asked her if she was angry about what had happened yesterday. “Not me, but the monkeys are,” pat came the reply, and we started laughing.

Thus, began an unprecedented romance that kicked off on the tree-top. I would lay my head in Zeenat’s lap and she would fondle my hair. She would always say that I have beautiful eyes and make fun of my long, bulbous nose.

I never missed my friends in those two months. Zeenat meant world to me. Every day, I hugged her at least 5 times and kissed her cheeks thrice, forehead twice and her lips once and hands countless times. She had bee-stung lips and one kiss wouldn’t suffice to sip the honey out.

One day, I asked her whether she visits a beauty parlour as I had never noticed hair on her hands or feet. What she told me was very unusual. She said that when she was a kid her grandmother rubbed her hands, feet and underarms with a dying fire from cotton soaked in spirit. I asked her whether it hurt. She said there was a slight singe, but the hair would never grow again.

We had spent 50 days in that house. How the days passed, I have no idea. I would be with her in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the backyard except when she was with Zahara.

One day, she was working in the kitchen. I entered the kitchen and found her lunging into the refrigerator. I walked on tip-toe and spanked her buttocks and shouted ‘Zeenat’. When she drew herself up, lo, it was Zahara standing before me! It was a dark hour of repentance. I stood pale with a gaping mouth. I said, “Sorry. Sorry”. But, Zahara was immersed in her own thoughts. I left her and came back to my room and cursed myself for being so careless. The effects were not long in coming. Next day, it was not Zeenat but Zahara doing the household chores. I did not leave my bed, nor stir from my posture till she left the room.

I did see Zeenat during breakfast, but she maintained her distance. Mother noticed that Zeenat was not her natural self and asked her the reason for the same. She answered evasively. At this, mother asked her to take a break from work. I did not see Zeenat the whole day and could not sleep that night. Next day, it was again Zahara. I mustered courage and spoke to her: “Zahara, forgive me for what happened the other day. Zeenat and I are good friends. I….I like her. I am not a bad boy. Please don’t punish Zeenat for my mistake.” Zahara replied very calmly: “I know you like each other, but there are limits that need to be observed. You are from a good family. You need to concentrate on your studies. Zeenat is a servant maid and would be married to somebody of her social standing. But, if her revelry becomes the talk of the town, nobody would take her hand in marriage. She has reached a marriageable age. I am not against your meeting her. But, it’s just that you two are too young to understand the implications of such closeness. And, I have not punished Zeenat for the intimacy she shares with you. But, she has to understand that she is a girl.”

Father joined us two days after this episode and we were to leave Chitrakut in another two days. My frustration was evident in my behaviour. I think mother also had an inkling of what had passed. She chose to remain quiet on the issue. Zeenat’s absence was raging within me.

On the last day, in the morning, when we had packed our bag and baggage, Zahara came with her daughters. Zeenath had shrunk in grief. Mother embraced her tightly and told her that she would miss her a lot. Zahara also wept when mother hugged her. My father had brought dresses and other things for them. My mother pressed those things into Zahara’s hands as she wouldn't accept them. Zeenat and Ashiya received an envelope from my mother. I walked up to Zahara and cried like a baby. She showered blessings on me. Zeenat was standing by her side. I did not know what a fitting farewell would be. I extended my hand and she received it hesitatingly. I gave a quick handshake and slid a small bottle of perfume in her hands and cried again. But, Zeenat wouldn’t cry.

We sat in the car waving at them. When the car went a little ahead, I turned again, waved at Zeenat who was sobbing hugging her mother.