A Grudging Prayer

O God, make me worthy in my own eyes. For this, You may have to change the way I look at things including myself. I understand it would be difficult for You to confer on me a new vision; plant a new scheme into me. But, You must know, I receive no help from Heavens to bridge the gulf between what I am and what I wish to be.

I always lived under the impression that if not today, at least tomorrow the potential You invested me with would manifest itself. But, if it requires a rigorous effort on my part to harness it, then I must say I am have been deprived the gift of endeavour. I request You to offer me a complete package to success and do not lay undue faith in my future correction. Your patience is greatly appreciated but it does me no good.

You want me to be humble in a world where the merit of this hyped virtue is virtually indemonstrable. A gift as paltry as human life is not a reason enough for celebration. It needs a pinch of misplaced pride to savour its blandness. I can’t help thinking too much of myself. Nothing wears off as quickly as humility and protecting it gets as difficult as protecting a candle from the wind. I ask for a lesser virtue.

You seem to covet order in Your creation. You have instigated physical order, moral order, social order and orders which are beyond the reach of human knowledge. Very well done, but it answers Your convenience not mine. The moral order by which You have smitten my conscience is the first that I would do away with if I could. If repentance is the way to salvation then I pity You, my creator, who could not bring me to it. On the contrary, You have a rebellion to deal with.

As you can see, I have grown a little philosophical with the little wisdom you have been kind enough to part with. But, my philosophical leanings are towards realism. They originate from ‘been there done that’, whereas Your idealism is an armchair mandate, unfit for all times. You do not know where the shoe pinches, all you know is that I have not walked upright and you hurry with your calculation of my missteps and penalize me without a minute’s delay. If not from outside, the prick comes from within, but it does come without fail.

You have placed the Sun in the sky to sing Your glories but You fail to see how it hurts me. You have lodged love in my heart but You do not see the ensuing pain of separation. Don’t You think that You have staged my defenses against myself a little too much?

How do I seek you apart from your world? My conceptions of You are very abstract. Frankly speaking, had it not been for the feeling of helplessness and sorrow, and a harmless belief that you can placate them accompanying it, you would have happily escaped my supplication to You, But, circumstances seem to favour your existence and when someone like You can be summoned by them who am I to oppose by not calling on You in difficulties. Had I been more courageous and held my turf, you would be no God.

O Lord, My God, please forgive my sincere prayer!
(566 words)

The Boredom of Personalities

In our lives, we not only buck the undesirable influences but also override the most coveted influences of person or kind. We outgrow our once-implacable desires, strong hopes and also love. All of a sudden, the mental and emotional blockades are thrown down and we move into a space, open and airy. It happens by itself; well-beyond our control.

I have always been careful to avoid making promises lest the natural course of events be unsuccessfully resisted. The state of holding to a promise is very much like the agitation of a teenager grappling with the vow of celibacy and the mounting frustration of the growing years. The fuller revelations of life prevail over the half or partial revelations. Promises made in storm are indeed forgotten in calm.

We change as the world changes around us. Our thoughtless assumptions in life result from the ignorance of this fact. The purposes that drove us when life seemed meaningless change altogether when we find meaning in our lives. A little feeling that stirs the heart to bind itself to promises for life soon gives way to some other feeling and we feel betrayed by circumstances. We mark out our lives based on what goes flitting past us. One fine day, all the spirit of the good old days sublimates into thin air; with the spirit gone; the energy gone, we wake up, as it were, from a dream, and for breakfast we eat our own words.

We move from one centre to another and each centre, for the time being, determines our circumference. A person enters our life and we feel that there has been an unprecedented expansion of heart. We are full of gratitude for this person and sing paeans to him for bringing such a nice weather into our life. He gets associated with our puerile fancies; 'we live, move and have our being in him'. He gains a monopoly over our heart. Over a time these feeling only cloy, they cause boredom and then an impending revolution.....And, the centre shifts.

Life holds greater promises than a mere parade of personalities. A rebellion raises its head where it is dark, where the eyes of love do not see. Now, love seeks motivation to keep itself burning. It's high when the motivational levels are high and low when the motivational levels hit a low. Motives change and this love is supplanted. All the feelings and promises seem only so much clutter. People run out of our minds and vacate our hearts without our knowledge as if it were some ordained process of natural selection. No imagined pain, no regret, and sometimes no remembrance either!
(448 words)